Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Gather 'Round, Kids, It's Story Time...

When I was a kid, one of the things my mom would do to keep us busy was give us a picture or a group of phrases and ask us to write a story. When Hilary over at Superfluous Juxtaposition presented a list of odd search phrases which brought people to her site, and laid down the challenge to write a story using them all, there was no way I could resist.....

The phrases:
.dirty employee breakroom
.prostitutes report los angeles
.madonna chris'mas cards
.vanilla ice rapper costume halloween
.be quiet please hebrew
.comic hamlet how is your day
.god bashert and breakup
.what happened to the gap website?
.jewish men and shiksas
.what happened to the gap?
.los angeles where to meet famous people
.girls in los angeles ready to meet and fold you (no, it didn't say fold, but this is a family blog about lesbians in bars, so we won't be using that kind of language here...)

The impromptu story (told in the voice of a married woman who works in a hygiene clinic; she's got issues):

I saw this great black T at The Gap, and of course I can’t get it. But first, crappy work day. I finally take a break and I’m sitting in the “dirty employee breakroom”, which is where we go when we want to touch some lint and dirt and stuff, to catch a break from all the clean stuff, when this Israeli guy walks in that I’ve never seen before. And he definitely has a different idea of what the dirty employee breakroom is all about. He starts telling me (in hebrew, no less - how did he know I even knew any hebrew?)how he heard about all “these girls in Los Angeles ready to meet and fold you” and how he has this list, a “prostitutes report for Los Angeles”, so he knows where all the prostitutes are. And all I am thinking is how do you say “be quiet please in hebrew”. Cause I am always polite in a foreign language. Even when I’m pissed to hell, I am always polite in a foreign language. So he sees I’m looking pissed, so he changes the subject, and starts asking me if I know Angelina Jolie and Catherine Zeta-Jones. And I just turn to him and say what is it with these “Jewish guys and shiksas”? If it wasn’t for Natalie Portman and Winona Ryder, we would have no representation at all. And famous people? What the hell? You know how they say “Los Angeles is where to meet famous people”? Well, I’ve been in Los Angeles 12 years, and the closest I’ve come was this guy wearing a “Vanilla Ice rapper costume on Halloween”. How sad is that? Then when I get home, Rod’s already there, and noone pissses me off more than Rod. I know he’s my husband, but the sight of him before 10 PM just pisses the hell out of me. So he gives me this lame-ass smile, and then like some “comic Hamlet, he asks how is your day?” sounding all serious. And I just hit him. Right in the mouth. Engagement ring hand. And I’m finally feeling good for the first time today and my mom calls, and she mentions the three words she always does, the three words I am not in the mood for - “God, bashert and breakup”. For chris’sake, I just hit the guy in the mouth. How am I supposed to think about breaking up with him now? Maybe he’s not my bashert, maybe God had someone else in mind for me. But who else would let me hit them in the mouth like that? I’m not going to go start looking for someone else. So I’m pissed again, and then I remember that little black T I saw at The Gap, and I go online and are you ready? The website is gone. Not down, gone. And I just can’t take it and start screaming like a total lunatic, “WHERE IS THE GAP WEBSITE”?! “WHERE IS THE GAP”?! How can such a large retailer give up their web site? And so I dial the number for The Gap store, and I get this stupid cheerful girl who sounds like she sniffed a little too much glue, and I just lay into her about the website, and she is just so cheerful that I just want to punch Rod again, when I glance at the screen and the site is back. Just like that. The site is back. And I’m thinking miracles do happen. And I even apologize to the cheerful glue-sniffer on the phone, and I’m so happy about the black T I’m going to get that I might just splurge on those “Madonna chris'mas cards” Rod wants to get, where she’s wearing the dress from the Like A Virgin video, cause he really wants them and I did just hit him in the mouth. But I click on the Ts and I swear the only color they are out of is black. I swear. So the stores are closing, I am pissed, and the online place is out of black Ts. So all I can say is no folding way is Rod getting the Madonna chris'mas cards….

17 comments:

Elster said...

Inventive. And thanks for the link. I'm getting bored with all the same ol same ol blogs (not yours, of course).

Jack's Shack said...

Nice job.

Stacey said...

Wow, I am impressed. I loved this!!

AnySara said...

Ok, how does one find out what searches lead to one's blog?

MC Aryeh said...

Elster - Go to my links section for some other great blogs you may not be familiar with, but which I would highly recommend...

Jack & Stacey - Thank you for the kind words. I haven't done a creative writing excercise like that in a long time. A lot of fun.

AnySara - Any of the stat counters you might use should be able to tell you this - sitemeter, gostats, etc. Just look under referring URL for sitemeter, and if someone arrived via search it would say something like "MSN search for chosson AND hunt." For go stats it would be under the links section under search phrases.

BrownsvilleGirl said...

Anysara, you just need a site meter. You can get one here: http://www.sitemeter.com/ But I warn you that it might turn into an addiction. :)

AnySara said...

I have a sitemeter from Bravenet, but it only shows the last 10 hits unless you pay for their premium service. Is this par for the course or should i change sitemeters?

houseofjoy said...

You can't see it but I just gave you a standing ovation.
Beth

MC Aryeh said...

BVG - I am exhibit A.

AnySara - Sitemeter shows you the last 100 hits free. You could use them both and see which one has the best features overall...

Beth - Means a lot coming from you. Thanks.

Elster said...

Appropos of nothing:

House of Joy reminds me of Sea of Joy. Great song of a great album. (Blind Faith by Blind Faith). So that's cool

'laizer said...

Apropos of apropos of nothing...

'Blind Faith' reminds me of a story in the Talmud (Hagiga 5b).

R. Hiya and Rebbi (the Prince) where traveling. When they came to a particular town, they asked if there where any students of the sages there who they could honor (literally: recieve the presence of). They were told, there's one - but he's blind. They both went to recieve the presence of this blind student of the sages.
When they got up to leave, the blind man blessed them - "You have recieved the presence of one who is seen but does not see; may you merit to recieve the presence of one who sees but is not seen."

'laizer said...

You did say it was story time... ;)

MC Aryeh said...

Elster - Sea of Joy reminds me of Sea of Love (a #2 hit for Phil Phillips and the Twilights in 1959), which was remade by the supergroup The Honeydrippers in 1984, featuring lead vocals by Robert Plant and Jimmy Page on guitar, which is my Led Zeppelin connection mention of the day.

'laizer - you are welcome to tell stories on my blog anytime. For those of you who don't know him, 'laizer is a master storyteller, especially of the Chassidic variety. He is a veritable maggid. Check him out at http://wildernesscity.blogspot.com - not so many stories there, but beautiful and thought-provoking writing, updated weekly (subtle hint) from the hills of Bat Ayin...

Elster said...

Coooome with me
tooooo the sea
of love

I LOVED the remake.

Also a movie starring Al Pacino, Ellen Barkin and John Gooman.

Stacey said...

Oooh, love the song(s) and the movie both!

Sarah said...

So creative! ::applause::

By the way, what does the Asian character(s?) mean, in your signature?

MC Aryeh said...

Sarah - Thanks. The characters are chinese for spirit and soul.