Wednesday, August 16, 2006

And What Did You Bring?

I believe very strongly in giving credit where credit is due. And the fact is, we all owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to Justin Timberlake. Justin's new single, SexyBack, which can be heard on his myspace page, for those of you with a hankering for ear punishment, is one of the worst singles to come out so far this year (only slightly ahead of Fergie's London Bridge for that honor). In it, Mr. Timberlake boasts "I'm bringing sexy back." Apparently sexy went missing, and no one but Justin was able to bring it back. That's right. Were it not for Justin, all of us would have remained sexyless, many of us without even knowing it.

So what if the song is a mess of muffled distorted vocals, lack of melody, inane and repetitive lyrics and a beat ripped off from Britney Spears's I'm A Slave 4U and recent Nelly Furtado? The man brought sexy back! Singlehandedly. Sure, Jonas Salk invented a vaccine for polio, the Wright Brothers discovered flight and Ronald Reagan popularized jelly beans, but were any of them able to bring sexy back, let alone sexyback? No! Did any of them even think to attempt to bring sexy back? Therein lies the genius of Justin.

No longer just the standard-bearer for pre-fabricated inoffensive bubblegum boy band pop, or one of the notorious participants in Nipplegate at the 2004 Superbowl, or Britney's ex, Justin Timberlake will now forever be known as the man who, in an act of pure selflessness, with no concern for musicality whatsoever, brought sexy back for us all.

It makes whatever else the rest of us might ever do pale in comparison. Can you imagine being at a party with Justin Timberlake now?

Justin: So what did you bring to the party?
You: I brought cheese and muffins. And you?
Justin: Oh, I brought sexy back.
You: You did?!!? Where did it go?
Justin: I don't know, but I brought it back.
You (looking down forlornly at your cheese and muffins): Wow. You brought back something extinct!
Justin: Nice muffins.

Next, I am hoping Justin is willing to work his magic again and bring back some other extinct things:

The Dodo Bird
Woolly Mammoths
Receding hairlines
A safe world

How bout it, JT?